How many times have you heard this common statement: “we don’t want to get divorced because of our children!!!”? It is ironic that many couples who experience problems in their interpersonal relationships use their children as the excuse for staying in that dysfunctional relationship or marriage. It is understandable that change is difficult especially when facing a conflict with a partner who is supposed to be an effective team mate rather than being against you. Making the effort to get out of a relationship seems hard when you are emotionally trapped. Change seems so challenging when you have children too and you cannot feel confident enough to deal with the future responsibilities alone. There will be financial difficulties, emotional strains and mental or physical suffering. Facing all of these challenges will be tremendously difficult. It is disabling and hard to handle the challenges, so it is natural to feel stuck, trapped and hopeless.
For most parents admitting the fear of failure in handling future responsibilities is anxiety provoking. They unconsciously use their children as the excuse to avoid facing their problems appropriately. Once a parent chooses to stay in a miserable relationship and says “my children need their family to be intact”, she or he feels devoted, responsible, giving, and a “good” parent. They want to save their children’s nest, but guess what happens? When your children live in an environment of continuous turmoil and witness fights, they feel insecure and they will not have a safe nest to begin with. By staying in such conflict, you are clinging to a war zone; you are clinging to the storm that is shaking your offspring’s nest.
Children who witness parental conflict, coldness, sadness, struggle, and domestic violence are mostly depressed, anxious and become empty of internal strengths or resources. The marital conflict, name calling, belittling, constant arguments, fighting, domestic violence, and the silent treatments are all extremely threatening to the children. When a child feels that the only two powerful authorities in his/her life are disabled to solve their own conflict, they lose their faith in parental figures. They feel helpless and hopeless, which leads to anxiety and then depression. These children will live with low self esteem and low self confidence in their future relationships.
For some couples breaking the news of divorce to children is difficult, because they are not sure how their children might react. Children usually pay attention to their parents’ responses and how they take responsibility for their actions. A child feels more secure when faced with less tension and stress, so if you break the news in a very positive, supportive and loving manner then your children have a better chance of understanding and coping. Parents who insist on keeping a dysfunctional pattern at home do not realize that the ones who are suffering the most are children. Children can hear, feel, and understand that there is a huge problem at home, but the reason they don’t talk about it is that they know you don’t have an answer or solution to solve the problem. They either turn to their peers or unreliable resources. They suppress the unpleasant emotions of hurt and live with guilt, anger, and emotional instability.
As parents who want the best for their children, just remember not to use children as the excuse for staying in a life situation that you have no power of changing. By saying you are staying in this marriage because your child needs a father and a mother you are not wrong, but remember a child needs both in a healthy environment. Having stressed, anxious and depressed parents has never served any child or promoted a healthy life style. If you think your marriage is not fulfilling and most of the time you are unhappy or if you are living with constant conflicts and arguments, seeking help is your first step. By staying in a dysfunctional marriage you are teaching your children that you are weak and you are powerless. You are promoting surrendering to life challenges and you are passing a message that coping with pain and suffering is ok.
By taking charge and engaging in finding the resolution to your conflict or examining the possibility of divorce and taking back responsibility for your choices, you and your children benefit greatly. As a responsible parent you promote strength, happiness, and confidence. You tell your children that they are worthy to live in a more peaceful environment. Seeking support and educating yourself about the process of conflict resolution is vital in any situation. The level of appropriate communication with your children in regards with the effect of divorce requires professional help. With proper support divorce doesn’t mean losing anyone, it only means coming to an agreement to change the life circumstances for everyone to live in peace.